In Defense of Doubt

Americans love certainty because certainty connotes self-confidence. And it's true, uncertainty may be founded upon lack of confidence, insecurity and worthlessness or even worse, self hate.

So there we have it, the downside of doubt. We doubt ourselves. That being said, why does worthlessness succeed to well at making us feel so worthless? Why can't we objectify these feelings and know, with certainty, that emotional reality, no matter how real it feels, is usually, illusory?

This reminds me of the "penis" joke in which a psychoanalyst tells a hopeless wife who who complains that her husband's penis is just too small, that, he promises, it will grow.

But when it comes to worthlessness, nothing feels more emotionally certain than that worthlessness itself. It is so easy to collect evidence for everything we do, say and think erroneously when we pass through periods of intense uncertainty. And then, too, misery begets misery; once we get on that misery train we ride helplessly through an alarming, never-ending trajectory of our detailed failures and mistakes. The ride is fast and dangerous; we can't jump off. The train won't stop.

For those of us who have suffered through periods of intense uncertainty, the occasion of doubt, even when we're strong and confident, recalls those moments. The discomfort of being in an uncertain moment, particularly if uncertain moments were steadfast in our childhood, puts us on that train again.

It is really so true that it is the frailest among us who most dismiss doubt, fearing, as they should, a descent into misery and worthlessness once more. Certainty provides the illusion of strength, knowledge and power.

And yet, doubt ultimately expands consciousness. Without doubt, how could we challenge misery?

In Defense of Doubt

Americans love certainty because certainty connotes self-confidence. And it's true, uncertainty may be founded upon lack of confidence, in turn founded upon feelings of worthlessness, shame, or even worse, self hate. So there we have it, the downside of doubt. That being said, why does worthlessness have to make us feel, well, so worthless? Why can't we objectify our feelings and know, with certainty, that emotional reality, even the most time-tested, certain, real and true reality, is ultimately, only an illusion? But when it comes to worthlessness, nothing feels more emotionally certain than that worthlessness itself. It is so easy to collect evidence for everything we do, say and think erroneously when we pass through periods of intense uncertainty. And then, too, misery begets misery; once we get on that misery train we ride helplessly through an alarming, never-ending trajectory of our detailed failures and mistakes. The ride is fast and dangerous; we can't jump off. The train won't stop. Unfortunately, for those of us who have suffered from intense uncertainty, doubt, even when we're strong and confident, recalls those feelings of worthlessness and uncertainty. The discomfort of being in an uncertain moment, particularly if uncertain moments are familiar from early childhood, puts us on that train again. The frailest among us are the ones who most dismiss the doubt, fearing, as they do, descent into misery and worthlessness once more. I wish I could soothe the aching heart that lives in misery. I wish I could calm the frustrated soul for whom doubt recalls an earlier misery. I wish I could say "Worthlessness will pass. Doubt expands consciousness. Doubt makes it possible, finally, to question misery, and to glimpse a different way. Doubt makes you strong." How marvelous that we must be strong to overcome weakness, and yet that certainty can be a weakness and doubt, a strength.

new world

It's a new world, without a column published officially, every other week, in a town paper. Why did I not want to lose this job? It's not as if it generated mountains of referrals. It's not as if I was getting national acclaim. The pay was, well...zero. But I found my voice and I had an audience and that is nothing to sneeze at.

It was a lot of fun finding myself and finding my audience. Getting practical, which is what I have to do now that I lost the job, is not easy. I am not thinking: what shall I write? or Who needs something from me --what can I give them? Instead, I am thinking: who will have me? How can I get out there?

Homeless and yet, not dejected, I will venture forth.