Claudia Confidentially
Desperate Housewife

Dear Claudia,

My husband is a workaholic. It was bad when we married, but it’s getting so bad I wonder sometimes if I’m even married. It’s like I’m a single. How can I get him to relax and spend more time with his family?
Desperate Housewife

Dear Desperate Housewife,

Take yourself to the nearest spa, and get yourself a massage, makeover, personal trainer, full relaxation treatment and the most recent edition of the Kama Sutra.

Teach him that being with you will relax his body and mind, making him more attuned to his work than ever. After a few years, his tolerance for being with the family, which for some people is just way too stimulating, may improve.

Of course, all of this may fail. If seduction is out of the question, you have probably already emerged into bitterness, disillusionment and disappointment, and I don’t blame you. When a man’s mistress is his work, why wouldn’t his wife feel like a scorned woman? However, I don’t know of any woman who hasn’t to some degree had to come to terms with (sometimes on a regular basis) all the ways her husband disappoints her. No matter how good he may really be.

The question is: is he good enough? I hope your husband’s positive contribution to the marriage is enough for you to overlook your disappointment in him, but I’m not sure it is.

My concern, particularly with regard to workaholism, is that you won’t be able to “get” him to change. If this is the case, are you going to feel justified in leaving him?

If you think you should consider separation, there is a failsafe way to insure that you would be better off without him. And that is by trying your best, right now, to have a great life despite him.

If you can’t, there’s no guarantee that you won’t simply transfer a pattern of feeling disappointed in your intimate relationships, onto another person.

If you find you can be happy in yourself, and with yourself, your decision to either leave him or accept him for what he is, will most likely be the right one.

So. Take yourself to the nearest spa, and get yourself a massage, makeover, personal trainer, full relaxation treatment and then provide yourself with all the other comforts you may need to help you withstand your loneliness and sorrow.

Claudia Luiz, M.Ed., Cert. Psya. is in private practice in Westwood. Questions to “Claudia Confidentially”, can be e-mailed to: news@ hometown-weekly.com or mailed to “Claudia Confidentially” c/o Hometown Weekly, 30 Park Street, Medfield, MA 02052.