Here is the wrong way:

• Fearfully

As in, “I am afraid you’re going to get so upset with me that I’d better pretend to see things your way.”

The fact that you are intimidated will probably show.  So, technically, you’re not really successfully sucking up. So if you think you’re sucking up because you are afraid (your best gauge for this: your feelings)…congratulations! You just found a fantastic avenue for further self-discovery. After all, you shouldn’t be afraid of people.  Just because they are crazy, doesn’t mean they should have the power to scare you.  So look into this to understand and analyze this fear.

• Shamefully

“I’m so sorry, I’m such a total idiot.”

I’m a big believer in saying “I’m sorry” and it shows the person has you in their mind, which I think is lovely.  It’s one of those qualities people think is “insecure” and “weak” but I disagree.

But sometimes, the “I’m sorry” has roots in inadequacy and shame.  We all carry feelings about ourselves that are less than stellar (as in: I wish I was more athletic, less of a procrastinator, drank less coffee, could become enlightened, etc.) but if sucking up repeatedly puts us in the back seat of life, then we need this reminder: we shouldn’t allow shame to dampen our light or diminish our power.

I don’t care how ashamed you actually are of yourself, you need to look at that! Plenty of famous, rich, successful people did a lot worse things than you did.  This is America – the land of second chances.

(Another learning opportunity!)

So now, here is the right way to suck up.

Have a righteous end-goal

Like to get along with your spouse even though they distort reality and their fragile ego, inability to admit they are wrong, and all their other weaknesses are exponential. Good for you.

That’s love.

As they say: in sickness and in health. If you know you’re not going to win this one, just say “I’m going to let this go,” and then, pat yourself on the back.

Drum up a goal that’s even better than your righteous end-goal

Take sucking up to your kid who is accusing you of not going to his trumpet concert even though you’ve been to every single frigging concert and driven him to every single lesson for the past seven years.  And generally sacrificed your life to this child with this outrageous accusation.

But you suck it up.  You simply say: “I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there,” because you have a deeper goal which is this: hearing your child’s negative emotions, because it will help him feel whole. (And also, because you realize that it’s a compliment to be accused of forgetting how incredibly important you are 24/7.)

Hold a little revenge in your heart

In the business of sucking up, your dark side is your new best friend. If your boss’s unwillingness to listen to you is clearly going to lead him to lose business, make a stupid mistake, or otherwise fail, sucking up can happily include a secret little revenge fantasy.

The immediate squelching of your own brilliance is therefore softened by the knowledge that this foolish person is going down the tubes, but that you, however, will be great.

Place allies in strategic places

If, after sucking up to your unreasonable boss, you have arranged to have some allies to talk to, you can quickly recover from the indignity of being invisible to said boss, by making damn sure somebody knows how great you are. It’s hard to have your strategic suck ups go unrecognized. Life shouldn’t be lonely; make sure somebody’s listening.

Don’t stop at the suck-up

Once you have sucked up with an apology or gentle bow, perhaps admitted that you are, after all, not always perfect, and/or listened to and heard the other person’s (probably ridiculous) perspective, you don’t have to stop at the suck up. Almost immediately after sucking up, if you have genuinely heard the other perspective, you may see the other person soften.

Here’s your chance to state your case. “You know, I do try to make every trumpet concert,” you could say to your ungrateful child, or to your spouse: “I know I shouldn’t go out with my girlfriends again tonight, but I do drive Morty to every single trumpet rehearsal.” There is no reason why sucking up has to include complete and total sucking up, in most cases.

Despite your ability to suck up in all the right ways, it is still hard to do. Sometimes, you have to swallow your pride, even when you know you’re right. As I’ve heard some Buddhists say, you have to “die a little death” each time.

But when you know that you are foregoing your need to be right because you have a worthy end goal—whether it’s to be strategic for your own well-being or to be loving for someone else’s—then your sucking up can become one of the best things you can learn to do.

So do suck up, and do it well. I think you’ll find that the results can really take you places. 😊

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